We need to talk.

Hi... I really don't know how to do this anymore, or how to say this all out loud. This will be a very long vent, or at least I will try to keep it short just in case. Life hasn't been... the best lately. Then you came along, things somewhat felt fine again, thought you'd be nice instead of being like everyone else, now you're distant and I don't know what I did to deserve it. I don't... I don't even know anymore if you see me even as a friend anymore, you have been distant for 4 days now, I stopped trying to push you and disappeared for 3 days... you didn't even care to check in. You made me question your emotional baggage when we started talking, you didn't truly realize how much I was struggling with my own; you told me you had abandonment issues but you somehow failed to realize you might be triggering mine; made me feel invisible for a while. I still hope this is all a bad dream and nothing was intended, at least that is what I tell myself to keep me alive, you don't really care to respond back anymore either. Hell, I don't even know... if you are reading this, if I will be around if you are reading this, I don't know what is real or not anymore or if my brain is doing things to be subconciously because of how self-aware I have become, I trusted you a lot then you made me feel like the same thing everyone kept doing to me and got away with it; still hoping it was a nightmare that refuses to end. It is 8:00AM in the morning of 3rd August, running off of no sleep for about 28 hours as I write this, dropped mom off today at the bus stop so she could visit my grandparents. You know... several days ago I was excited this would happen, I'd get free time and the entire house to myself, now it's just... hollow. You aren't here to talk, I don't know if I can even talk to you now. I was looking forward and eager for this weekend now it's just, ruined; again, like always. You told me to take it slow, didn't think you probably meant a disconnect all of a sudden. Life is so muddy right now it really had me question things and write stuff down in form of poetry again, something you'd probably hate if you read it, but you know what? I think you should know what has been running in my head for a while.

"Was it all a ruse? Just to treat me like a plaything when you not and throw me away when you don't? False promises to not rip my heart out again but you were playing along to do the same, just like all of them?

"Is everything a bad joke? Meant to beholding me as the punch line? Things you said that were never meant?"

"My head hurts, don't know how to stop thinking about not thinking about you."

"Miserable with you when you're barely around, more miserable when you are fully gone."

I feel... not necessarily hurt, but just emptied out like a shell, I don't want an apology, you don't owe me nothing, and I know that, this all makes me look insane and I probably am, but this had to get out of my head, eventually at least, only thing I want out of this is that you don't repeat this and be a better person next time so at least no one rots in a corner from now.

I am sorry.

Remember that one time I started saving your photos then told you I deleted them? I need to be transparent with you, I lied; I didn't delete them, I just hid them away in a folder, I had my reasons... remember me talking about making a gift for you which was practically ripping my hardware apart? I think it's time I finally show you this when I have been pretending I was still working on it for the last week, I don't plan on doing something like this again if it hurts you in some way or makes you uncomfortable, I wanted to show you this when we VC'd next time, but I don't even know when that will be next time anymore, here it is though, my weird form of love and affection, making things for people that I love even if they don't love me back.

This is the* "computer thingie" *as you called it I was working on, pretty, isn't it? Just took a week of my sanity and several hours to composite this. Y'know... there were more things I was making for you then I just... the song cover, the ARMR thing... couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. I am sorry for being this way, I don't want this to be an end like the other times, I know I have been spiraling for a while now, but I am still hoping you understand me and everything goes back to normal, eventually at least. See you soon; I hope.